Dear Jack,

This morning I accidentally bumped your head as I was getting you out of my car.

Not just a slight graze, but it was the kind of hit that would cause the world “BAM!” or “THUD!” to appear in the air, like on the 1960′s Batman TV series.

Your response?

About 3 seconds later, you nonchalantly scratched your head, as if you might have felt a piece of fuzz in your hair or something.

But it was like you were confused, more than anything.

Under normal circumstances, youwould have been crying pretty hard and it would have been a big dramatic ordeal.

But I guess when I use the phrase “under normal circumstances,” I’m referring to Mommy being present.

Like magic, you basically feel no pain or discomfort when it’s just you and me.

I don’t believe that’s because you’re trying to impress me by showing me how tough you are. After all, I need no convincing of that. I am very aware of how thick your Croatian skull is.

Instead, I believe it’s because you instinctively aren’t seeking my physical comfort. Quite the opposite, you test me physically. You love to wrestle me; even if during the process you pretend to hate it.

Of course the obvious flip side to this is how different you act “under normal circumstances.” With Mommy in the room, you can barely stub your toe on the carpet, then yell, “Owie!” On cue, Mommy is authentically concerned.

With me, you don’t even bother.

But more importantly, like I said, your brain evidently doesn’t even process pain or discomfort when it’s just you and me. You’re so much lower maintenance during “Daddy only” time. Ya know that?

It’s interesting how quickly you can turn on and off the “Mommy switch.”

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack,

With today being a special day, Father’s Day to be exact, Mommy decided to make our family some of her magical vegan cupcakes.

You got lucky. She let you lick the cake batter from the mixing bowl.

To keep the chocolate “mud” from getting all over your clothes, Mommy and I decided it was best that we strip you down to just your diaper.

Immediately afterwards, Mommy went upstairs to fold the laundry.

That meant it was just you and me.

That’s when things got weird…

You placed the mixing bowl in the middle of the kitchen floor, then begin circling it while holding your spoon to your forehead. (Technically dangerous, though things often are when you’re on my watch.)

It didn’t help that you were by that point “toddler drunk” from the mix of the sugar and the missed nap.

I had a feeling I needed to capture this on video. I couldn’t have known what was about to happen during those 38 seconds I recorded you.

So, actually, here ya go…

Watch the clip of what happened:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUc0MTZjP20

That’s right. In the middle of your ancient tribal dance, you gave me the gift that keeps on giving… as you put it, “It was a gas!”

Thank you for my coffee cup. Thank you for my new swim trucks and t-shirt. Thank you for the cool dinosaur Father’s Day card you picked out especially for me.

And while I’m at it, I guess I might as well thank you for the… hilarious memory, too!

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack,

While the writers of 20/20 are still patting themselves on the back for Friday night’s segment, “D Is For Dad And Dumb,” in which the advice for dads for Father’s Day was “don’t be an idiot,” I have meanwhile witnessed a different version of reality.

For this Father’s Day weekend, I have seen Facebook flooded with pictures of my friends’ dads. Despite being on Facebook since 2005, I never remember a Father’s Day so obviously consumed with people celebrating their dads.

In the midst of the “dad traffic” today, I also saw this really cool quote by Reverend Billy Graham:

“A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.”

Perfectly stated.

Despite the reinforced stereotype in media that dads are as about as respectable as Homer Simpson, most people in my version of the real world identify the concept of dad as an honorable thing.

Not to mention, the dads I know in real life have better things to do than to spend much time or energy worrying about how people outside of their nuclear family view them. (As a daddy blogger, I might personally be an exception?)

The dads I know put their family before their own needs and wants, on a daily basis. And that’s normal. It’s not something they talk about. They just do it.

Whether 20/20 ever gets the courage and/or integrity to address the quiet and sophisticated strength of dads in the real world, I don’t know.

It’s funny. I honestly can’t think of one time growing up that my dad ever did or said anything selfish. He only gave and sacrificed for our family the whole time.

That’s the way I have always thought of him and always will.

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack,

According to the new Pew Research Center survey, Americans expect dads to be more of a moral teacher and emotional comforter than a breadwinner or disciplinarian.

The way I look at it, whether a dad chooses to be or not, he often is by default the moral teacher and emotional comforter, for better or worse.

That’s not to say that the mom’s role in teaching her children values and morals is simply marginal, but I do find it interesting that in a time where the media still makes dad out to be a horrible role model or at least a lovable idiot, see “ABC 20/20′s D Is For Dad And Dumb” Segment which aired just in time for Father’s Day, this new poll shows that dads are expected to be the moral teacher more than the disciplinarian or the greater income provider.

So why is it that if dads seen as the moral teacher, that they are still often portrayed as dummies in the media? I’d say it’s because there’s a disconnect between what TV writers think America wants to see and want America actually thinks about their dads.

I base “what America actually thinks” on what I’m seeing as Facebook status updates today for Father’s Day. I see Facebook consumed with pictures of everyone’s dad, with a caption bragging about how incredible,  supportive, and even how “perfect” their dads were while growing up.

Therefore, I find nothing surprising, only assuring and confirming, about the results of the new Pew Research Center survey.

In fact, I’ve already written about my desire to morally teach you. See “Dads Like To Teach Their Kids Life Lessons.”

I take great pride in the fact that I have the honor of instilling values and morals in you. Because hey, it sure beats what the media would like for you to believe; they evidently still think I’m simply a lovable idiot.

Love,

Daddy

Graph: Pew Research Center.

Dear Jack,

I take so much joy in spotlighting examples of dads being positively portrayed in the media. Not too long ago, I mentioned the Robinsons “Pals” commercial. This week, I promoted the Sears “Not A Superhero” ad, as well.

It’s a rewarding thing after three years of being a daddy blogger, to see examples in the media of those who get it:

Dads don’t appreciate being represented as idiots who need to learn to behave and be better role models for their children.

Sadly, though, there are still media outlets trying to capitalize on the “Al Bundy” version of dad, in what I assume is a desperate (and subliminal) attempt to relate to the females viewers, who traditionally have more buying power than men.

Last night after Mommy and I put you to bed, we vegged out to ABC’s 20/20. At the end of the episode, there was a segment called “D Is For Dad And Dumb.”

Wow, just in time for Father’s Day.

The segment featured dads caught on video, putting their child in harm’s way, or at least embarrassing them for the world to see. Right now, on ABC’s website, you can not only watch the clip, but also read the transcript from it.

In a generic disclaimer, the segment ended with the narrator proclaiming this: “Now we should say not all of the caught-on-tape moments involving dads are negative. Let’s wrap up with this thing up with clip from a father letting it all go. He’s become known as the “dancing dad” on the internet…”.

That’s right. Not all dads do bad things. Because the rest of us are just plain goofy, evidently. Dads either can’t be trusted or we’re simply clowns.

Let me remind you again of the name of the segment: ”D Is For Dad And Dumb.”

Nothing subtle about that. Unsurprisingly, here’s the closing line of the segment:

“So [the] bottom-line message to dads on this father’s day seems to be, don’t be an idiot. Don’t be an idiot, think about what you’re doing…”.

Okay, the question is this: Am I personally offended by 20/20′s “D Is For Dad And Dumb” segment?

No.

The answer is no, because I am a mature man who doesn’t let TV networks have power over me. If I valued their opinion of dads so much it hurt my feelings, then I probably wouldn’t be man enough to wear hot pink pants.

I’m not angry, but I am disappointed. (Classic dad line.)

If I were to mention on Facebook that I oppose gay marriage, which I don’t, I would most likely be called a bigot within 20 seconds. However, it’s acceptable in media for good dads to be lumped in with the worst examples of fathers and no one raises a fuss.

I doubt anyone from ABC is reading this, but here is what I propose: Do a segment on 20/20 about how dads are tired of being  portrayed as classic idiots. Show that the modern dad is very involved, caring, and is a proper role model.

Interview me. Let me explain it on national TV how a normal dad feels about the way I am stereotyped. It could be a segment called “D is For Dad and Dignified.”

If not, I’ll stick with the satisfaction of knowing my son and my wife think I’m a good dad; no disclaimers required.

Love,

Daddy

Photo credit: Businessman sat an a chair, via Shutterstock.

Dear Jack,

One of the most noteworthy things about seeing you grow up right now, in this phase of your life, is the way you’re experimenting with your speaking abilities.

We’ve been taking advantage of our family zoo pass by going every single weekend since we bought it about a month ago. In the process, I learned what a hot potato is.

“Look at that hot potato!” you would exclaim, referring to the climbable statue in the zoo’s playground.

I realized that in your version of the English language, a hippopotamus is a hot potato.

My mind went back to the year 1988 as you preceded to “feed” the “hot potato” some mulch.

Apparently, I was witnessing the live version of the board game “Hungry, Hungry Hippos.”

Of course, “hot potatoes” aren’t the only thing I have to remember to immediately translate in my mind.

When Mommy makes you Annie’s Homegrown macaroni and cheese for dinner, you always ask her to put “black cheese” on it.

Any guesses as to what that means?

Pepper. Black pepper is “black cheese.”

One of my favorite phrases of yours is a “regular bar.”

We have so many different types of organic fruit strip snacks we keep in the pantry, that’s how you have been identifying and differentiating fig bars.

Somehow the fact they have a whole wheat coating around them makes them “regular.”

“Mommy, I have a regular bar?” That’s the kind of thing I would overhear you ask Mommy.

Finally, I had to finally ask Mommy what that meant.

She explained they are the Nature’s Bakery brand (non-GMO verified) version of Fig Newtons.

So there you have it…

Hot potatoes are hippopotamuses.

Black cheese is black pepper.

And regular bars are fig bars.

It has just now occurred to me that really, only Mommy and I understand your version of the English language.

Even then, we’re still decoding what you say every day.

Love,

Daddy

]]> http://www.parents.com/blogs/dadabase/2013/06/15/health/decoding-my-childs-version-of-the-english-language/feed/ 0 http://www.parents.com/blogs/dadabase/2013/06/15/home-life/a-matching-father-and-son-white-fedoras-kind-of-day/ http://www.parents.com/blogs/dadabase/2013/06/15/home-life/a-matching-father-and-son-white-fedoras-kind-of-day/#comments Sun, 16 Jun 2013 01:22:09 +0000 Nick Shell http://www.parents.com/blogs/dadabase/?p=20917 2 years, 6 months.

Dear Jack,

Last Friday, like most uber masculine dads in America, I randomly felt compelled to wear my hot pink pants and white leather dress shoes to work.

And it should go without saying that you can’t be caught wearing hot pink Polo pants from the clearance rack at TJ Maxx without sporting an equally 1985-esque white fedora.

Well, one thing led to another, and sure enough, you wouldn’t let me leave the house that morning without running upstairs to grab your white fedora to match Daddy.

I should have known that when a father and son leave the house wearing matching white fedoras, something magical is bound to happen.

It has been our tradition that on Friday afternoons, I take a late lunch break, waiting until you’ve woken up from your nap, to pick you up from daycare and take you somewhere adventurous, like the nearby park.

However, this particular Friday, a guy in the office next to mine won some kind of contest where he had the Budweiser Clydesdales deliver him two cases of beer.

Interestingly enough, this happened right as it was time to pick you up. So instead of going to the park, I took you back to my office to see the giant horsies.

Granted, I had already changed out of my Miami Vice costume into my work-out clothes (a classy Smurfs t-shirt and an oversized pair of faded cargo shorts from 25 pounds ago) and in hindsight, I see that you may have been wearing your fedora backwards the whole time, but hey, we got our pictures made with the Clydesdales!

We even got the meet the Budweiser Dalmatian.

So lesson learned. Whenever your Daddy feels like being random and wearing hot pink pants and a white fedora, just roll with it.

Because something cool is surely about to happen…

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack,

This week after uploading the most recent content from my digital camera to my flash drive, then editing those files, then deleting all those pictures and videos on the camera immediately afterwards, I experienced a dose of panic and anxiety I haven’t known since maybe 7th grade.

I could not find the video of you riding your fire truck you made of pillows!

Mommy and I were so proud of your performance, yet it was nowhere to be found.

How would I tell Mommy what I did? Should I just not bring it up until she asked about it?

I always feared this happening; deleting one of your pictures or videos before actually saving it.

After searching for 20 minutes in a state of constricted breathing and a gnarly adrenaline rush, I realized that the thumbnail for the video was not the one I was looking for.

In other words, I had not deleted your prized fire fighter performance. And of course, now it’s safely saved and featured on YouTube.

I don’t know, maybe that video clip isn’t really all that funny or cute to the whole world, but to Mommy and me, it’s priceless.

To think had I actually deleted that file, the very best thing I could have done was try to get you to re-create what you did in the video that day, but I could never actually access the original again.

Subconsciously, my mind started to process the thought of actually losing you; not simply just that video of you.

My subconscious, I’m convinced, is much more aware of deep emotional hurt and sadness than the conscious part of my brain. The door of that room inside my head was unlocked and I began to catch a glimpse of hell.

I began feeling this heaviness and emptiness that I couldn’t even begin to understand.

In that moment, I felt so alone and lost and exiled.

It felt like I lost you.

I never want to feel that way again.

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack,

I’m sorry to break it to you, but it will still be another 13 years or so before you are able to get your driver’s license.

Mommy and I decided to test you early for your driver’s license, using a fire truck you built out of couch pillows while we were making dinner.

The part of the test you did extremely well on was part where you prepared to drive.

You very meticulously (and cheerfully) put on your seat belt.

However, you didn’t do so hot once you started up the fire truck: You pretty much immediately crashed.

All that safety preparation for nothing… Well, no, actually it balanced things out I guess. I’ll let you decided for yourself- here’s a video  clip of the event:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NIsA1rQfGM

I’m still trying to figure out why you had to “start the fire” at the back of the truck before buckling yourself in.

Two theories:

Either you A) were starting a fire on the fire truck itself so you could put it out with itself or B) you were starting the fire truck, which for some reason the ignition was at the back of the vehicle.

Another thing I’m confused about is why you named your toy fire truck “Mater” and why you had to go get him to help you after you evidently crashed your pillow fire truck in the garage.

I am seeking logical answers, please.

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack,

As I picked out my own dad’s Father’s Day card today, I noticed how they are designed for all the major types of dads. For example, there’s…

The Serious/Sentimental Dad- His card features a sophisticated black and white photo of dad and child.

As well as…

The Funny Dad- Expect a witty cartoon, a humorous photo, or some kind of lighthearted joke on his card.

And similarly…

The Fart Joke Dad- Like The Funny Dad, but specifically capitalizing on flatulence.

But don’ forget about…

The $1.99 Dad- This card tends to feature more generic language, steering away from words of affection like “dad” and “love.”

And of course…

The $.99 Dad- Here’s to one step away from not sending a card at all.

Yes, no kidding: At Kroger, they have both a $1.99 section as well as the $.99 section in the Father’s Day area.

It’s an interesting thought- that kids and adult children have to subconsciously figure out whether they have a serious/sentimental dad, or a fart joke dad, or a $1.99 dad.

I wonder if it changes throughout the years based on the child’s age.

For example, I could totally see you getting me a fart joke Father’s Day card when you’re 10 years old.

It sort of reminds me of an article I read on Yahoo! Finance called “What You ‘Like’ On Facebook Can Be Revealing.”

For example, in theory, because of the fact I “like” Non-GMO Project, Occupy Monsanto, Julie Borowski, Ron Paul, Parents Magazine, and Bruce Springsteen on Facebook, I am evidently making it somewhat obvious that I’m a a socially liberal, fiscally conservative, vegan dad who has accidentally caused his 2 and a half year-old son to now get upset in his car seat if he doesn’t get to listen to Bruce Springsteen’s Greatest Hits album on the way to school in the morning.

To me, a Father’s Day card is just as indirectly telling of what kind of dad one is perceived to be, at least in that moment, that year by their child.

I will never look at Father’s Day cards the same…

Love,

Daddy

Top photo: Night Drive Long Exposure, via Shutterstock.

Bottom photo: Knocked Out, via Shutterstock.